The Forum

Issue date: 3/16/10 Section: Opinion

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For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan.

I don't know the next step.

I don't know the next destination.

I don't know the next job, the next connection, the next right decision.

All I know is that I'm terrified.

I'm terrified of leaving my friends behind. My friends and I have become so close these past years, I can't imagine drinking without them opening the wine.

I'm terrified of leaving my boyfriend behind. We have only been together for a few months. But it feels like it's been longer. I can't imagine sleeping without him lying next to me.

I'm terrified of leaving my family behind. I'll miss birthdays, graduations and homecomings. I can't imagine the holidays without the whole fam-damn-ily.

I'm terrified of the uncertain future before me.

The only thing I know for certain about my post-graduation life is that I will be throwing a party May 29.

Graduation is sneaking closer. There are just seven weeks of classes left this semester. In the fall, I felt awed by friends and colleagues who were already applying to grad school, who knew exactly what they were doing after leaving Westminster.

I'm not one of them.

Sixteen years of school has been long enough and expensive enough to keep me from any graduate programs for now.

Other than graduate school, the choice is work. It's overwhelming just thinking of working for the next 40 years.

How will I be able to get work done without a deadline? What will I do when I have a project that will take more than 15 weeks? What will I do after I leave the office for the day and there's no textbook to read, article to write or photos to take?

Leaving the familiar routine of school for the unknown possibilities of the future scares me. I shared a quote from Mark Twain once before, but it's been in my head for months now so I'm going to tell you again. "You'll never regret the things you did. Only the things you didn't do."

Westminster alumni Chris Thomas once told me he always regretted starting his career immediately. "I wish I'd driven the Weiner-mobile around the country for a year," he said. Thomas is a successful man by anyone's definition. As a co-owner of one of Utah's best public relations firms, he has had an incredible career. But like Twain said, Thomas regrets the things he didn't do.

When I think of Twain's bit of wisdom, I tell myself I should do the things I'm most afraid of doing. And for me, that means committing to teaching English in a foreign country. I have an opportunity to go to Taiwan in July with International Learning Programs.

When I discussed the possibility of going to Taiwan with Associate Professor Rulon Wood he said, "Do everything." But I'm so afraid of the future that I haven't completed my application. I don't even have my passport.

I'll leave behind my friends, my boyfriend and my family. Is that leaving behind too much for the chance to do something I'll only regret not doing?

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